30 day shred

I have been doing the 30 day shred, and today will be my 7th day on level one. I am so bored with level 1 and I just want to move on. I have also been doing the shred during the worst TOM I have ever had. Worst cramps in my life, and doing the crunches is NOT helping!!

I feel good though, I am 2 lbs away from my small goal of 185 and could not be more excited about that. Although my heel has been bothering me a lot and I am having problems being able to go to the gym and working out like I was. Swimming only for this girl for the time being (or low impact stuff in the gym).

This month has just kicked me on my ass, and I am not as driven to hit the big loss numbers, I don't know why. I mean I care if I lose weight... I just don't care (that doesn't make any sense). I cannot even explain myself. Everyone asked me what my resolutions were for 2012, and I didn't really make any... other than to keep the mother effing kitchen clean (which is pretty impossible in my house because a certain someone apparently doesn't know where the dishcloths are... I won't name names LOL). My goals have always been the same though, to lose 84 lbs total by June... Though now I am considering losing more. I will see how I feel when I get there. It will be done with diet and exercise though and I will not be doing it with HM. I want to be able to say I did some on my own, so if I want to try and lose 10-20 more lbs when I get down to 140... I will do it. I have to order my wedding dress by July though, so I cant go too crazy lol.

I keep hearing, "You are so tiny, you don't have xx more lbs to lose!" from so many people, and although it makes me feel awesome to hear that (as I never have before), I am getting frustrated... not because it pisses me off, but if only these people could see what I look like without the clothes on. The things I wear, hide everything that jiggles so well. It really doesn't look like I need to lose 50ish more lbs.

MY THIGHS!!! ahhhh my thighs lost an inch when I started, and HAVE NOT MOVED SINCE!!!! I have always had muscular and big thighs, and that was always the first place my fat went. I just want them to shrink... a little! they are by far my least favorite part on my body, and I am so eager to see those inches go away.

It has been an emotional week for me. I brought flowers to my husbands grave... a place I have not been for so long. I think I was pregnant with Caiden the last time I was there. I felt like he was not in that place, and he was always with me so I never went there... and when I finally did go there, all I felt was guilt. Like I left him there all alone. I miss him so much, his infectious laughter and all the stupid hilarious things he used to do. It has reminded me of all the people that have turned their back on me, and also reminded me of who is the most important to me. I am so thankful for the people in my life, who stand by me no matter what. I love you all.

Anyways, I have to take new pictures soon... although I don't think my body has changed too much. My arms though... wooeee! they are getting amazing LOL! I will take new pictures in the next few days.