Thursday, January 17, 2013

chirp chirp

It has been so long since I have posted anything. I have been so busy with planning our wedding, being home with Caiden, working on photo edits... just so much going on. My body has been suffering and I have been eating my feelings a lot. I have not lost of gained a pound since the last time I blogged, which I will take as a win because I ate like crap over the holidays.

I watched a documentary called Hungry For Change the other night and it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I have written a weekly meal plan for myself and I have been having the most delicious fruit and veggie (Mostly veggie) smoothies that are so filling it is helping a lot.

I went back on birth control about 6 months ago, and that is when the weight gain started. I cannot wait to go off of it again and try to have another baby. Not long now, just have to wait until the wedding is over and possibly the honeymoon.

I am no longer going to be dieting. I will just eat cleaner and stay active. That is all anyone can really do.

Friday, October 12, 2012


Not weight loss related in any way... But it has been a rough day and I need to get this off my chest.

I have been actively trying to potty train my darling boy Caiden for close to a year now. I never really pushed it at first, I just kind of let it happen when it happened. At first it was fine, he would pee on the potty and YAY's would be yelled and treats would be had blah blah blah... He had a really good streak of pooping on the potty and I really thought he had it, and we would not have to buy another box of stupid diapers again... well until we have another (although, I believe I am going cloth the next time). He has reverted back to crapping in his pants and keeps telling me that "I just didn't use the potty"... no shit you didn't use the potty.

I have always been a super laid back parent, and never really forced anything on him other than basic safety common sense stuff... but it is getting ridiculous, and I am starting to get the attitude from other parents and...*cringe* non parents. I don't know what to do anymore and it is starting to make me rage. I physically need to walk away from him after he comes to me and tells me he pooped in his pants.

Add to it the fact that since this darling child of mine has turned 4, he has become Satan incarnate. He throws temper tantrums only at home (never at grandparents house), will not listen to me or Scott and his favorite word is NO. I am soooooooo over the 4's! Although he is pretty freaking funny.

So that is my rant about Caiden...

My other rant...

I have always been a good tipper, and I understand it is a hard job to have (waitressing), but! You seat your guests, you take their orders, someone else brings out the food, and I sit there with an empty cup for almost an hour all the while you have been to the table next to me 6 times. I wanted to bring half of my dinner home because after all, I am trying to lose weight... but do you come back to see if I am ok, to see if I need anything... to give me the bill even? Nope, so while my son hides under the table to crap himself and I sit there seething because I don't want to waste my food and no one is helping me, I decide I will never return to your restaurant. You are lucky I gave you the little tip I did give you, and I didn't even get to take my food home.


Thursday, October 11, 2012

It's been a while

I quit Herbal Magic because I just couldn't afford it anymore. I have a wedding to pay for now, and shelling out over 400 bucks a month was just sucking me dry.

I got down to 182 with them, and immediately after quitting with them, I went nuts and ate EVERYTHING in sight. I gained 12 lbs back, and now I can't lose anything. I lose something and then the next day it is back... I know that a lot of it is water retention, and I am eating properly again after my month of pigging out during camping and what not. I have my full gym downstairs that is just as hard to get into than if I had to leave my house to get to the gym. Caiden doesn't allow me a lot of time on my own to exercise. It is so stressful!

I have until April to lose the weight that I need to lose. That is when my wedding dress will be ready and I will have to get it altered. I know I can do it. I am renewed and so determined. I am not setting a number on what I want to lose, because I don't want to let myself disappointed.

I have 25 weeks... to lose 1-2 lbs each week. This is doable.

I am going to commit to recording everything I eat on MFP, and cut down my sugar and bread intake. These are really my vices, and I cannot seem to avoid them.

I have felt really alone in this lately, I used to have people behind me, encouraging me and pushing me to succeed... I feel like that has just gone away. So I will do what I normally do, and put my head down and do it on my own.

I will try to write in my blog as much as possible... even if it is really just writing to myself.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

off track...

Ok, I have not written in quite a while, and it is because I have been so busy. So busy, I do not even have time to brush my hair some days LOL!

I went into Herbal Magic at the end of June and told them that I wanted to go on stabilization. The fact that I had lost no more than 8 lbs in 6 months was stressful and depressing and I could no longer handle the pressure. So I began stabilization... which added more food to my plan. Immediately, I gained 3 lbs and I freaked out... I stopped going to them and I decided that I can and will do this on my own and save myself $500 a month. It has been nice not worrying about the judgement I got there (even though they were supposed to be supportive), and not worrying about how I was going to pay for all my pills for the month.

My file officially closes on August the 4th and since the end of June it has been a barrage of calls from them asking me where I have been (which I thank caller ID for the ability to screen such calls). I am just so sick of it.

I just didn't care for a few weeks and I ate like garbage (although still being aware of calorie counts). So I am 9 lbs up and working very hard to get them off again. My goal is still to hit 140-150lbs and I will do it. I am determined, and I will do it the healthy way.

I see all these people on My Fitness Pal who bitch about not losing weight, and all they do is no exercise and eat crap but stay under 1200 calories. crap is still crap, no matter how little you eat of it!

I have become a fan of smoothies lately, I pack those things full of veggies and fruit and put some protein in there, and it fills me up. Caiden even loves them (and he hates spinach). I have an awesome gym in my basement now, and I get really excited to use it every day. I mix cardio with weight training and I am excited to tone everything up and jiggle less... oh do I hate the jiggle.

Anyways, That is what is new with me.

Friday, June 22, 2012


I haven't written in my blog for so long... there wasn't much point. I have been really busy with Caidens 4th birthday and we are doing renovations on our house. My goal date came and went with still 40ish lbs to lose, and I was really upset about it. It was always my goal to get there before they told me I would do it. That is just the type of person I am, but maybe my drive was just a little too much. I am still hovering around 179-184 depending on the day. I just cannot seem to break past this point no matter what I do. I am not going to be stressed out about it anymore.

I have talked repeatedly to the ladies at HM about my progress and lack thereof. I know I could do it on my own... I know I have the tools, but they just keep telling me that if I quit with them "where will that get me". I just hate being so unhappy with the scale not moving, and I know if I wasn't putting so much money into this diet, I would not be so stressed about it.


Starting weight: 223.8
Small goal: 185 reached Feb 19th
New Small goal: 170
Final goal: 140
Current weight: 180.8
Weight lost: 43 lbs
Inches lost: 52.5

Tuesday, May 29, 2012


so sick of seeing that 18- on the scale.... eff you 80's. That is all.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Past the hurdle

Including the weight loss I did on my own before I started Herbal Magic, I have lost 54 lbs. With Herbal Magic so far I have lost 45 lbs. I am over the hurdle of that stupid plateau I was stuck on for 4 months... and the funny thing is, it was going to that spa weekend and pigging out on endless tapas that got me over this hurdle. Ignoring my diet and my portions for just one night. Since then, I lost about 10 lbs. I had been losing and gaining the same 5 lbs for so long, it didn't seem real when the numbers started to drop again.

The stress of this last couple of months spending all this money on this diet and not seeing any results has been making me feel so guilty. Guilty for taking money away from activities I could be doing with my 4 year old and my fiance. Not wanting to exercise, or do anything really. But exercising to the point of wanting to throw up because nothing was happening. Feeling so lost, and so alone.... even though I had my love and my best friend behind me no matter what. Trying to stay positive, but struggling with it because all hope seemed lost for ever getting past the point I was stuck at. I spent the most part of my life in the 180's, my weight only started to climb after I had Caiden. I have been wondering for a while if this is where I was meant to be, but I still jiggle and I will not accept that this is where it ends.

So I am in the 170's now and I will fight to get it off. My goal will always be 140 (unless I get to 150 and like how I feel and look) and my new goal is 64 inches off (at least). That would be my height and I just have to lose 12.5 more inches to get there. I am positive, I am renewed. I can do this.

So here are my stats:

Starting weight: 223.8
Small goal: 185 reached Feb 19th
New Small goal: 170
Final goal: 140
Current weight: 178.2
Weight lost: 45.2 lbs
Inches lost: 51.5