ugh

so sick of seeing that 18- on the scale.... eff you 80's. That is all.

Past the hurdle

Including the weight loss I did on my own before I started Herbal Magic, I have lost 54 lbs. With Herbal Magic so far I have lost 45 lbs. I am over the hurdle of that stupid plateau I was stuck on for 4 months... and the funny thing is, it was going to that spa weekend and pigging out on endless tapas that got me over this hurdle. Ignoring my diet and my portions for just one night. Since then, I lost about 10 lbs. I had been losing and gaining the same 5 lbs for so long, it didn't seem real when the numbers started to drop again.

The stress of this last couple of months spending all this money on this diet and not seeing any results has been making me feel so guilty. Guilty for taking money away from activities I could be doing with my 4 year old and my fiance. Not wanting to exercise, or do anything really. But exercising to the point of wanting to throw up because nothing was happening. Feeling so lost, and so alone.... even though I had my love and my best friend behind me no matter what. Trying to stay positive, but struggling with it because all hope seemed lost for ever getting past the point I was stuck at. I spent the most part of my life in the 180's, my weight only started to climb after I had Caiden. I have been wondering for a while if this is where I was meant to be, but I still jiggle and I will not accept that this is where it ends.

So I am in the 170's now and I will fight to get it off. My goal will always be 140 (unless I get to 150 and like how I feel and look) and my new goal is 64 inches off (at least). That would be my height and I just have to lose 12.5 more inches to get there. I am positive, I am renewed. I can do this.

So here are my stats:

Starting weight: 223.8

Small goal: 185 reached Feb 19th
New Small goal: 170

Final goal: 140

Current weight: 178.2

Weight lost: 45.2 lbs

Inches lost: 51.5

Such an awesome week

After months of not losing anything, I was getting so freaking stressed out. Not a happy camper at all. I haven't been writing in this blog, because 1. no one reads it anyways and 2. I feel like it is a waste of time since nothing is happening. I feel like the support I had has just fizzled away, and people I thought were my friends... really were not friends at all. Now I know. The people that have supported me all along are awesome and I love you all for it. You know who you are.

Anyways, after the struggle I have been having, I went on a girls only spa retreat weekend. I NEEDED IT!!! I had a plan for food, and I stuck with it for the most part. I went to HM on Friday on my way up there and the lady I... dislike, was the one to see me. I was slightly up on the scale from the day before, and she made me feel like shit for it... what kind of support is that? She told me that when I came in on Monday, I would be up regardless of my plan to bring healthy food and utilize the gym while I was there.

I brought grilled chicken, HM protein drinks, fruit and veggies, and water. I did have the endless tapas though on spa day. I followed my plan just about 100% and I felt so good about it. I stepped on the scale on Monday morning and saw a 2lb drop.

I started a fruit cleanse on Monday and Tuesday, which you can only do once a month. After this I saw a further 2.8 lbs gone. So, I think I am starting to drop again *fingers crossed*. I will not hit my goal date of June 12th, but that is ok. I will finish this!

Finding success...

Finding success in the little things, this has always been a struggle for me. Seeing my goals and sticking with them is so hard. I have lost and gained the same 5 lbs for the last 4 months and cried about it. But seeing the success of inches still falling off me, has eluded me. Why can't I just forget the number on the scale?

I was told to write myself a nurture list. 10 things I could do FOR MYSELF!!! that would give me a release from the stress of the number not moving on the scale. So I wrote a list of the things I love to do to release stress... very first on the list is singing. Something that I am so good at, and I never really get to do, so I am going to get back into it, and sing my heart out. Because I deserve to give myself something too.

I have my home gym downstairs set up, and the other day I made some posters that have quotes on them that I have found inspiration to continue my journey. Things like "NOTHING tastes as good as skinny feels" , and "Strength is just a frame of mind, own it!" I look at them to pump myself up. It feels great.


Stats:

Starting weight: 223.8

Small goal: 185 reached Feb 19th
New Small goal: 170

Final goal: 140

Current weight: 181.2

Weight lost: 42.6 lbs

Inches lost: 49.5

So far beyond frustrated...

I am so far beyond frustrated that my weight loss has stalled, I don't even think there is a word for what I am right now. I hit 189.8 on December 31st, and here I am STILL in the 180's almost 4 months later. I have done everything I am supposed to do, and it is so hard not to break down and run to Timmies and buy a dozen donuts and the biggest iced capp I can get. I keep thinking what the hell is the point of doing everything I am doing.

I miss KD! I miss Pepsi!

I lose 5 lbs, and then I get my TOM and gain that back... it has happened for 4 months now. How do I not lose my focus when this keeps happening?

I am getting a nice little gym downstairs, I have a recumbent bike, and elliptical and now a treadmill. Scott wants to get a home gym to do strength training, but that will come later. I hung the ribbon from my last measurement down there as a reminder that I am still losing inches. Thanks to Pinterest I made one of these:

Now that I see the beads in the vases, it doesn't look as impressive. But there I go making light of the pounds that I have lost... It is no small feat and I should be proud of myself. So why can I not be proud of myself?

I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS!!!!

Scott and I have been exercising together, I found some workouts on another blog that I follow, so we have been mixing these with the elliptical and treadmill.

The Fight - Lights out

The Fight for the PS3... all I can say is OMG. I never thought a boxing game could make me hurt so good. I guess I am a little crazy, but the best feeling int he world is the pain you feel when your muscles are in repair. That is how I am feeling today. I cannot lift my arms and my back is so sore!

A nice break from my usual, I went to my besties house yesterday and played this game and burned 402 calories. I can feel my Triceps without flexing now, I fit into small shirts (EEEEEEEEE!!!!!).

Although my weight has stalled, and I am so incredibly behind where I should be, I am still losing inches. I am encouraged still. I am pretty sure however, I will be doing HM for the rest of my life... or my body is just never going to be less than 180.

I just want to order my damn wedding dress LOL!!!

The ladies at HM gave me a nice card of condolence for Lucky passing away. It was very nice, and made me cry.

RIP

I had a wonderful Easter, full of hunts, and brunch, family and friends. I was great, I didn't eat any chocolate. It was a wonderful day, until we put Caiden to bed and then tried to find our cat Lucky. Sadly we found him in the back yard. I didn't see, but Scott said he looked mangled. I am so sad. Last night I just wanted to gorge myself on everything I could get my hands on... especially Pepsi.

I haven't spoke of my addiction to Pepsi as of yet, I don't think. I believe it is like... a drug I guess. I crave it so bad, and when I get it... even a sip, I look like those heroin users on Intervention after they have shot the needle thing in their arm. It is that bad.

All I wanted last night, was that euphoria that I feel when I drink it. But alas, there was none in the house. Today, I have 0 appetite, and I have spent the day in a numb stupor. Yes, yes, he was just a cat, but he was a member of the family and I will miss him dearly... as will Caiden.

RIP Lucky Lager. Thanks for being so good with Caiden. We love you.